I’ve been walking with my Shadow and I have found in the Darkest Mirrors a relationship that is causing great problems in my life. This relationship reflects out to the ethers and supports patterns that I have already outgrown, yet stay around to haunt my forward moving Self.
You might wonder how it is possible to have outgrown something, while still holding onto it. Well, forget about all of the poxy new-age talk and rules that have been imposed by well-meaning Gurus and Coaches and Healers and the Visionaries who only see as deep as the bottom of their own toilet. This isn’t about that. It’s about Feeling, Knowing and Being.
I Know I’ve outgrown the crud of this relationship because it has no place in my life. Instead, I seem to be trying to find ways to fit it in. Less now than before, but still, every now and then, this particular person catches up with my current life, and She slips in and takes up a spot for a few hours, a few days, and even sometimes a few weeks. Everything turns upside down. She takes up so much Space that I can’t check emails for concern that there is another one reflecting her garbage. I can’t talk to anyone else on the phone, because she’s there everytime I pick it up. I don’t go out in case she’s in the street. I become overwhelmed, and then I See Her, sitting in the corner of the room, talking shit and looking Self-important. That bitch, she’s been there the whole time.
This Relationship is with my Old Self. She is the Old Self because I am not Her anymore. I have learnt and grown and BEcome. Who She is is very Old. Very broken. But She is still there.
She is the Old Self because she still gives a shit about People and Places from long ago. She doesn’t know about the Now and the Here, because She is Old and back there.
She is the Old Self because she pays attention to the stories from the past – like a birth she witnessed or a heart her actions may have ’caused’ hurt. She doesn’t know about the births happening now or the hearts blossoming here, because She forgets that those hearts like to point fingers, to release themselves of all blame. She doesn’t see that the fingers pointed point three fingers back at the person pointing, because She is dying, and broken.
She is the Old Self because she wants to keep the Vision of long ago. She doesn’t know that there is a new Vision, because she believes she has responsibilities to others and that those responsibilities even matter!
This Old Self Woman is a problem for me Now. She is hurtful and mean and gives more respect to those who have disrespected my Sacred Essence, than honouring me Now. She leaves a bad taste in my mouth and makes me shake for fear that She might still hold Power. She is a problem because I have left open little doorways for her to return – if she can find the strength to push through the shimmery veils that are barriers between here and there – as I said, She is dying, but by leaving open those doors, I lend her my Strength.
Old Self, keep your stories and your manipulative-bitch friends and your bombs under the foundations of my Work. You can keep the bull-shit of People who pretend to be support, but are only there to suck me dry. You can especially keep your twisted, hurtful community of narrow-minded, jealous agents of fear because I no longer live in a world where that is appropriate. Question someone else, because your questions are no longer relevant Now.The only questions I choose to hear Now, are those that come from the Great Mystery and that support my Wholeness.
I close the door. I close the windows and the peep holes and the nooks where Old Self lurks. I live in a clear, well-lit Space where, although there are Shadows, they are the Shadows of Now. They are cast by the Light of Now. Farewell Old Self and all of your attachments. Rest in Peace.