Many of you will know what it feels like to never ‘fit-in’. I wanted to write about this and where it can lead. Maybe what I say will guide you to more aware decisions than I made in my teens and beyond.
My Indigo Self, who had always been in a safe and happy place, was suddenly very unsure when the hormones arrived. I didn’t fit in from the beginning of high school. I just didn’t get it. I didn’t get the cliques and the mind games and the bitchy attitudes. I just didn’t see the point.
Teenagers are so desperate to fit in somewhere. It’s all about identity, and we find other people who are like us. For Indigos, we are drawn to other Indigos. I was always drawn to the ‘naughty kids’, even though I wasn’t a ‘naughty kid’ at school. I was blessed to have been born into a family that was loving and safe. I had been brought up to value education and because I was very clever at school, I was pretty much left alone to do things my own way. I was a very blessed Indigo.
Yet, I always felt a connection to these ‘naughty’ kids. Of course, now I know they were other Indigos like me. They’d come onto this planet as part of the group of souls who will force the World to Change. But I was never the same as the other Indigo kids I knew. In the first few years of high school they were all diagnosed with ADHD and became part of the Ritalin Revolution. A few weeks later they’d be selling their pills on the school bus and trying to find some semblance of their own reality again. They all came from dysfunctional and abusive families. They had already formed their beliefs about not deserving to be loved. They had been trying to get closer to their parents, by mimicking their behaviours; cigarettes, abuse, drugs, anti-social behaviours, from an early age. My childhood hadn’t been like that at all.
And I thought that my mother was the strange one. In a small town on the coast of Victoria, there were plenty of we Indigo Ones. We lived in beautiful beautiful fresh air, drank only rain water and spent most of our time walking, walking, walking, (always fit, healthy and exercising) and playing guitar. But, I am one of the only ones who hasn’t been arrested or gone to jail.
You see, I had a Tower Moment at the age of 12. Where everything I knew toppled down from under my cushy White Picket Fence life. My understanding of the world was in need of a rebuild. The Ways of these Indigo kids with whom I identified, seemed like good enough ones to rebuild with – hey it worked for them.
The relationships of this time added to my assumption that alcohol and drugs were a good way to get close to people. This stemmed from my relationship with an alcoholic relative, and has been a continuing issue for the past 15 years. I’m not an alcoholic, but that is because I have chosen not to be. Let’s just say, I was borderline there for a while. Gin and I had a special relationship. And now we are finished.
Within a few years of this lifestyle I was looking for more. I liked smoking dope because it ‘opened my mind’. In reality, I liked smoking dope because I thought I could hide my grievances with the world behind the smoke screen. I liked drinking alcohol because it created such ‘loyal’ friendships, and everyone really opened up when the liquor started to flow. In reality, alcohol was just another smoke screen for a bunch of kids that wanted to wash away their anxieties of a world that didn’t understand them. I needed more, and so I looked to the only people who must already understand the world. I turned to the adults.
I couldn’t find what I wanted with the ‘naughty’ kids, and certainly not with the rest of teenager-land. I’d much rather hang around with a bunch of half brain-dead stoners than gaggling netball girls. I assumed that adults, who were much more wordly, would have to be entertainment enough for my expanding mind.
And this was good for a short while. I was surrounded by beautiful beautiful healers, medicine women, spiritual and ethical teachers and some very good role models. This is the time in my life where I became aware of my Indigo ‘bull shit censors’. And this is also the time where I grew up and moved away from home.
The next eight or nine years were all about finding somewhere to ‘fit-in’ again. I remember when my son was born I thought, yes now there are two of us! I was really powerful in my abilities to SEE at that time. That’s cos I was sober – what with the baby making and breast-feeding and all.
I gave up on peers my own age. I assumed that the older generation were ‘like me’ because of their worldly conversation and deep thought. Alcohol played a big part in these friendships, and so eventually they have shown themselves for what they are. I couldn’t find what I was looking for in the ‘already grown up’ peoples either.
When I understood the Indigo Peoples’ Purpose ‘fitting-in’ all made sense. We are different, that’s why we always hope, but rarely find somewhere to ‘fit-in’. But there are more of us than we think. You will know, if you are also Indigo, you will know who is. You will feel their wholeness in your core Self. And you might get lucky and find them sober.
We are here to stay aware. How can our conscious minds ever be activated when it is drugged? Whether it’s ritalin, alcohol or monotonous pointless office work. I believe that Indigos only make poor ‘un-aware’ decisions when we are drugged. (I will write another article about the ‘drugs’ of an Indigo, for I am very passionate about it!)
I know this, because by the time we were 18, those ‘naughty kids’ from my teens were in a lot more trouble than just not ‘fitting-in’. They had stolen cars, beaten up old ladies, broke into numerous properties (and got caught), had kids they couldn’t look after… if they’re not still in jail, today they are all drug addicts or alcoholics now.
We were all setting up for a detrimental lifestyle as 13 and 14 year olds. They didn’t have the previous White Picket Fence to remind them of where they could be. Nobody told them about why they were here. Nobody told them they are loved and respected BECAUSE they don’t ‘fit’ the system. That they are something different. Not that Indigos are better, but they are different. And that is okay.
When you feel okay about being Different, you don’t need to ‘fit-in’ anymore. Because you accept yourself, and in so doing, you become Real to yourself. That’s really what it means when we say ‘fit-in’. In Indigo Language, it means, understanding the Purpose, understanding how something / someone / the Self ‘fits-in’ to the World we live in.
We don’t need drugs, alcohol or any other false stimulation to make us fit-in. They don’t give any reason or Purpose. We just need to find our Real Purpose, and when you’re there – nothing else matters. How do we find that Purpose? – That’s the work of Self Crafting!
The article Finding a Place to fit in was published by Hollie Bakerboljkovac, for the Institute for Self Crafting.
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