You may know dear heart, that I hold Sacred Space with my SisStar Rachel each month for the Canberra Red Tent Experience. What You may not know is that for the past few months I’ve been in a ‘rough patch’ in terms of how I feel about continuing this Red Tent Space.
And in keeping with the theme of Things We Don’t Talk About, I’m gonna share some things with You here. I will say though, that these are my thoughts, and don’t reflect Rachel at all. This is all about me!
When Rachel and I decided to come together to present Canberra Red Tent Experience this year we wanted to honour the terrific film by Isadora Leidenfrost – Red Tent Movie : Things We Don’t Talk About because this groundbreaking media has the potential to heal communities throughout the world. I’ve been following the making of the film and helping support it with financial donations over the past few years and I was so freaking ecstatic when it finally came out.
What strikes me most about this film, even after seeing it four times now, is the Power in hearing women speak their truth. The Red Tent provides a Space, not simply for Women to connect and talk – but IN MY INDIGO OPINION really GOOD Red Tent Experience also provides a Space where Women can be utterly authentic in their feeling – something that we all know is extremely lacking in our society.
(as a side note, yes I do feel that there is such a things as really crap Circle experience too but I’ll save that for another day. Needless to say, I’m incredibly passionate about providing GOOD Circle Experience and always have been)
So our Vision for the Red Tent Experience in Canberra was to create a Space of deep healing where Women could come to speak not only from an authentic place but also to specifically have a chance to reflect upon stories in their life that are usually not talked about. You know, the stuff that’s not polite dinner conversation : like the grief of losing a child, like how it feels to go through life after having been raped, like what being a mother really means to You as an individual, like how You felt when You chose to have an abortion – and how You feel now, like what makes You feel honoured… The deep stuff the stuff that is in our very essence that we’ve never been able to share.
Now this kind of sharing is apparently not for everyone. At least, some people think its not for them. Sharing yourself so fully is frightening. But I know without a doubt that it is the most empowering experience of all. To be utterly raw with yourself in a Space where you are not judged and ARE accepted for being You – is something that creates such healing and freedom.
I write this blog as a Space to express that same essence for mySelf. You get my Truth here. I’m a Sagittarian Rooster Indigo Witch (not that I really think labels are necessary ha!) I’ve always spoken about the things others won’t – even as a little kid. I’ve been called tactless, raw, passionate and volatile. It all means the same thing to me – I’ve got the courage to say what I feel. If only more people did!
And that was the reason for this year’s Red Tent Experience. I wanted to provide a rad Space where Women could say what they feel. I’ve been bungin on about going deep with the feeling for long enough now, I suppose in a way this year’s Red Tent series was my final call to arms for Women – to see if they really can make good with their Truth. To see whether all this work I’ve been doing over the years is worth it – to find out whether all the readers and commenters and People who pertain to be Real – are really willing to Be Real.
In our Red Tent Experience there’s no tricks. There’s no special ceremony or clearings or anything fancy that needs to happen. We don’t have a formula for our Circle casting or a specially designed workbook to get through your issues. It’s just a safe Space created by caring People with a strong commitment to the Infinite, unbound Self. Rachel and I have a combined total of over 30 years experience in holding Women’s Space and we take the responsibility of providing the Red Tent extremely seriously – and personally. It can be heart breaking when only 2 people are booked into the Circle, but it is always a lesson in trusting the process. This year I’ve had to get even more clear than ever before about why I’m holding the Red Tent. I’ve had to ask the dreaded question “What’s in this for me?”
I say dreaded question because it is apparently not very appropriate to think about selfish pursuits when you are providing ‘spiritual service’. Like apparently it’s an ‘ego’ thing to think that you should either make money or gain personal healing through a service that is provided to the community. Well I’m here to tell a you darling heart that THAT is a complete load of crap. Because if you’re not getting something from it too, then you’re wasting your time. Life is about YOU. Not about them. We’re here to do our work, and if what you’re doing isn’t giving You what You need, find something that does. P.S. Money is something we all need.
So that’s kind of been my thinking over the past few months. Why am I traveling an hour each way, driving home in the middle of the night on country roads, coming to a Circle for 2 or 3 attendees? What’s in this for me? I’m not making any money. I’m tired and wiped out the next day from the late drive. And I’m connecting with awesome Women who I can see any time because they’re also my friends. You see dear reader, I was all in the head about this. I was trying to make up rational sense of the experience of freeing the Self. Bah!
Do You know what else? That whole 2 or 3 attendee thing only happened once! Often we would only have a couple of people booked in at the start of the week, but by the time the Thursday rolls around, there’s always a pile more bookings. It’s frustrating for organising, but it is the nature of our Canberra culture undoubtedly. Everyone has a busy story.
And then it happened. I gave it over. I let go of the experience and decided to let it be what it will be. I came to the Circle as an equal participant without thinking like a facilitator. I didn’t prepare anything. I didn’t put ‘any effort’ in and just brought myself. And there were way more than 3 attendees! And the words and the tears spilled out and the Women heard me and responded with their own deep Selves and my heart opened and I BECAME the Circle. And I realised that that’s what I’m getting from it.
This experience of the Red Tent is more than what words and rationale can make of it. It is a deep healing experience. It is a growth of empathy and compassion that I wasn’t even aware was missing – and each month it grows more. Being in the Red Tent allows me to question my concerns and puts things into perspective. Even when the theme doesn’t seem that it is related to what’s going on in my own life, I find the commonality that links me with other Women and it opens the gateway to the Space I need healing most in this moment. The Power of this is beyond Power. It is a fierce Primal energy that is Women coming together in their absolute Truth. And I need this like I need air and water and sun. I need to hear the stories of other Women. And I need to share mine.
My experience tells me that when individual Women experience this kind of healing, brought on by no one else’s doing but our own opening of Self, we have a greater Power in our own lives. The healed individual takes their healing out to the world, and is an active part of healing entire communities, simply for having been authentic with her feelings.
For some women it is terrifying. Some of these stories have been laying under the surface, softly – and sometimes not so softly – brewing and bubbling under the covers. The woman may feel like she never had had a safe space to tell her story. Sometimes she hasn’t wanted to talk about her feelings for fear of upsetting people she cares about. She’s never been able to express her feelings for the threat of being told to toughen up, or ‘its about time you moved on’ or whatever other well meaning advice others will give. You see, in a Red Tent Experience, we don’t give advice. We listen. We open. We cry with each other and our reality shifts. We learn things about the world we could never imagine.
Compassion and empathy grow.
Through hearing the stories of other women we heal. I have been witness to some absolutely tragic and horrific stories. I have sat with women as they shed the years of holding onto the fine details of stories too painful for anyone else to hear. I’ve felt the pain of a woman’s heart as I rub her back and her tears spill on the floor. Women who come to be witness in the Circle inevitably find a similarity in a story to something that might otherwise seem unrelated. But it is enough to trigger in her the release of her own pain. And the floodgates open. And healing occurs.
And do You know? We don’t always cry. Sometimes we laugh. I’ve laughed with women at the sheer absurdity and joy of life. I’ve heard filthy jokes in Circle. Women fart too! We heal with our laughter as much as our tears.
I am so eternally grateful for the Red Tent Experience and the Women who attend month after month, as well as the Women who float in and out, as well as the Women who still haven’t quite mustered up the courage to come along yet! I see now that the things that have always been a part of me continue to be a strong aspect of my contribution. I contribute with service to All Living Things by doing that which fills me, fuels me and reminds me why I’m alive. As one of the Women said to me after last month’s Circle, YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT WORK FOR YOU. And she was right. The only thing I didn’t see until that moment is that it always has been working for me, perfectly.
Maia Nie Heya.
And here’s my forward thinking – for the Women who have already heard me speak to this in Circle last month and may be wondering :
I will continue to hold Space for the Red Tent Experience for the duration of this series in 2013. Next year, I will begin regular Circles out on my land, 45 min from Canberra. I’ve been guiding Anastasia in learning to hold GOOD Space for Circle and will be handing all of my Canberra responsibilities to her at the end of the year. I can’t say what she will do with it, but whatever she does I will continue to guide her when she needs it. Of course, we as Women are entirely changeable and anything could happen, but today, these are the decisions I hold to. And tomorrow is a new day!
I also have a faint and very slowly building Vision to hold Things We Don’t Talk About Spaces for Women and Men together. And of course, as the Retreat Space here is built, more and more options will unfold. As usual, stay tuned – cos I’ve got a heap of other shit to do before then!!